Thoughts on Reconciliation: This Way Doesn’t Work
By Bruce Stopher
The year 2020 has shaped up to be one of almost continuous conflict for our country, and it’s not over yet! Still, I wonder; is this national conflict we read about and sometimes witness a mere reflection of a conglomeration of personal conflict in every corner of our world.
I tend to believe that what we’re experiencing across the country is, in fact, an indication of what’s happening in the personal lives of millions of people. I am one of them. I have experienced personal conflict many times in my life. You may have had more or less, but I tend to believe that you have had conflict on some level in your life. As the Swiss physician-psychologist Paul Tournier said, “Life is inseparable from conflict.”
If we are in the midst of conflict, particularly interpersonal discord, how do we move toward relational peace? My tendency is often to avoid conflict. There was enough of that nonsense in my childhood. But we simply cannot live successfully; better yet, we cannot thrive in life by avoiding conflict.
By conflict, I have a simple understanding of a complicated issue. Nate Regier is the co-founder, owner, and chief executive officer of Next Element, specializing in leadership communication. He defines conflict as “the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing.” That gap might initially be narrow, but over time it can widen without being resolved.
To be resolved, a conflict must be addressed between the two parties (perhaps with a mediator) with the desire to reach reconciliation — which is simply the restoration of a friendship. Who wouldn’t want that? Of should I say, what sane person wouldn’t want that?
This morning, very early this morning, I was encouraged to get an email with a proposal to meet soon to repair a damaged relationship. I was encouraged until I got past the first paragraph.
The next five paragraphs, all longer than the first extending the opportunity for reconciliation, began with the words “My Request.” Listed were several issues that I needed to either begin to do, stop doing, or have the writer’s permission to do for there to be a coming together in friendship again. Reconciliation with stipulations!
My heart sank, and perhaps there was a bit of angst that my contender was up to his old tricks again. While he might be able to tell someone, including himself, that he made an offer of reconciliation, it came attached with a list of demands to be met before an understanding could be reached. I felt like it was more a list about an unconditional surrender than it was a hope of restoration in our relationship.
This week, I just finished reading Communicating with Grace and Virtue by Quentin Schultze, an executive coach focusing on effective communication. One of his statements that I highlighted, underlined, and circled was, “Controversial communication breeds more controversial communication, usually until people tire of it” (location 1543 in the eBook version).
I was definitely tired of it. So, I filed the email in an online folder without a response. There’s my avoiding conflict coping mechanism again. Still, I was ever more convinced that for there to be a resolution, both sides need to listen and understand the other party’s viewpoint. Until that happens, there can be no reconciliation.
Until then, part of my own self-guided therapy is to read more about effective communication and conflict resolution and wait for my friend to catch up with me. And there will be waiting in the process.
As Schultze writes (in location 1486) so well, “Reconciling with a long-estranged friend is not an overnight process. It occurs one step at a time, word by word, listening as well as speaking, rather than by forcing our own desires on them.”
Do you have a broken relationship with someone? Do you want to see reconciliation? Are you willing to listen to the other person without interjecting your opinion? Are you willing to put in the time that it takes to understand the other person and work hard toward real reconciliation and not just unconditional surrender?
When you say yes to all for of those questions, you’re ready to start the process. The other person will also need to say yes to all four question before you can begin to get into the weeds.
~ ~ ~
For more on getting started on reconciliation including this gem (“The thing that binds us together is true desire to know each other beyond the differences, and then to use the knowledge of those differences in a way to make the other person better.”), check out this video: